I Always Thought


So, recently I joined an ADHD Facebook group and have got myself sucked into that side of TikTok. With that, I’ve been learning a lot, and today that really hit me. (There might be a trigger or two in here for people, just FYI).)
For years I thought it was always “me being the problem” because I’m loud and struggle to think before I talk. Classroom settings are evil and the “I have to finish this” feeling have been around as much as I can remember. Especially growing up hearing phrases like “try harder” and “just focus” all the time.

Yes, that’s a Snapchat Screenshot

I’ve discovered I hyperfixate on certain things, including on people, which is why I develop crushes on people the way that I do. It’s not a crush, I’m literally unable to tell my brain “no”. When I have that feeling for cleaning my house though, holy snap do I clean my damn house. I had that feeling yesterday on laundry and got like, three loads washed before I lost that urge to clean. 
Or that executive dysfunction is a common feeling I get when I fight my own brain on being productive. I have had literal arguments with myself over just sitting up because my brain won’t talk to the rest of my body. It’s hard to fight your own brain, and really sucks being told you’re just lazy all the time. 

Chores are evil, and that’s apparently because without instant dopamine my brain just gives up. And with a new hobby too, if I’m not immediately good at it, I quit. Long term projects are just the worst!
For years I thought it’s because I was a mistake, that I was a problem. And with that, I developed depression. I’ve had some scary low days and again, I always thought I was a fuck up. 

Being where I am now has been great though, I have good relationships with the people around me who want me to succeed and grow, I have a … decent … coping system that makes me not want to die all the time, and I find some days I can actually take complements without cringing!

Sorry for the ramble, but thanks for listening! Or I guess reading along... You’re amazing, and I hope you have a good day! Be safe out there!
— Deryn

Happy Anniversary


Wow! Guys, I’ve been doing this for a year now! How crazy is that?! It’s hard to believe that I started this as a hobby a year ago only to now use it for both my sanity, and to tell my stories. I’m excited about this! 

I’ve gone to England on this blog, I’ve hiked random trails around the Okanagan, and I’ve made friends of mine do new things just so I’m not alone on here. The adventures I get to experience, man I love what I do. 

Yes, I’m reusing pictures. Hush now

Without all of the people who tune in and read this every chance they have, I really would be nowhere. I’m baffled and grateful. And to the friends who read my work, and the friends I’ve made, thanks for being there for me! I know I say it a lot, but I really do love all of you.

That’s my office I work at on Tuesdays

I’ve been going through quite a bit lately with understanding trauma and growing for what feels like the first real time as a person. There’s a category of posts tagged under mental health here, and I’m appreciative that I can talk about those things. Being able to put what I’m feeling into words helps me understand what’s going on, and gives me the chance to work on it in a healthy manner.

I still love this picture

I love what I do, and I can see myself doing this for at least another year. This is, was? the best decision and hobby I ever threw myself at. Writing is just, I don’t think I have the words, it’s everything I really needed to control my heart and mind. I feel at peace behind this keyboard. And being able to take pictures of the world around me to show some adventures I get to take, this blog has really become my baby in a way. Many of you know more of what I do in a week than my family does. It’s weird how hobbies can change a person isn’t it?

As a thanks to helping me grow, and as a challenge to myself because I should have posted this forever ago, I’ve decided to post the opening paragraph to that book I still haven’t finished. That’ll be on the bottom of this page, and I am freaking out a bit over doing it, but now that I’ve said it I kind of have to. No one has read that yet, and I mean that. 

Water is neat, isn’t it?

Before I go for today, I figured some shameless plugs for myself are in order. Because I have things like Patreon, Instagram, Twitter, and with this being what I want to do as a career, I would love it if you checked them out. You all are amazing, and I cannot thank you enough. Have an amazing day and stay safe out there!
— Deryn

Clear page break before the novel piece.

Today has been interesting. I’ve never been surrounded by so many bland people. What is the point of drinking until you pass out? I guess that’s what I get for having hobbies and no real friends. I’d much rather be at home reading, or playing cards. Young adults with raging hormones are battling everywhere for attention and alcohol. Man, I’m fucking tired. And the music; oh my God this music is ass.

“Hey babe,” sparks up from behind me.

“Oh hey,” crap, what a lackluster response. 

“You alright?” Tones of kindness and love bring joy to my heart. How sweet, the poor guy is worried about me. 

“Yeah cutie, I’m fine. I don’t know, I guess I’m just tired.”

“Okay, well if you need me at all, I’m going to be over by the food tent.” His heads up of where he’s going is wholesome. 

Too bad this world is boring. Our reality is just a bunch of people trying to make their way in a world that doesn’t want them. If only my world had something worthwhile going on. Magic, airships, literally anything at this point would make life worth my damn time: all I want is a hint of excitement. Well, at least I have food I guess.

This food tent is mediocre: breakfast from a cheap fast food joint and an insult of an attempt at handmade food line the tables. Why serve breakfast with alcohol? Doesn’t dinner, or even greasy American food pair better? It doesn’t help that rain started pouring down. Today is just another waste of my time. 

“Babe! Look at what I found!” The only thing in this world I really care about is him, isn’t that strange? “It’s your favourite!” 

Oh hey: tequila! And it’s my favourite too!

Went Rock Climbing


Technically it’s “bouldering” but not everyone knows that term so… But yeah, did that recently. Now, I have an extreme fear of falling which makes things like climbing a wall rather difficult. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try, right? 
When I say extreme fear, it’s bad enough I won’t jump into bed because I have to fall like, half an inch maybe. It’s terrible!

We got there early just in case any of our waver’s were wrong. Since it was kind of empty, we had the option to just jump right in. We did. One hundred percent going for it! The gym looks so nice on the inside, colours everywhere to determine skill levels and add a vibrant enthusiasm. And the people, it’s all around a well made environment. 

Gloomy day is gloomy

I’m not the strongest person I’ve ever met, so I decided to just try going up a tad and then attempt coming back down. With my falling issue, I figured this would be a good idea. It took a good few tries, but once I really went for it, I was having fun. I ended up even trying to fall a couple times just to prove to myself it wasn’t completely terrible, and that didn’t work… But I still tried!

The gym itself constantly moves around the climbing pieces to spice up the experience, so the one wall I really wanted to beat will be moved by the time I get to go back. Not having a car is starting to get to me I think… I just want to go back so bad…

All in all, I loved going! Tomorrow I’m definitely going to be sore in my arms and legs, whatever though right? I had so much fun doing that. I’m going to go buy shoes for it though, the rental sizes only do a full shoe size and I feel a half size would help me a lot. The shoes are a custom style like a ballet slipper. 

The Next Day
I’m sore, tired and am two hundred percent buying shoes so I can do this again soon! I recommend trying this! Do it! This particular facility is open until 10:30 at night, so it works really well with my schedule. 

Some cute bunnies I saw!

I’m super sore though, so I’m going to go take a bath. I hope you have an AWESOME day! And stay safe out there!

— Deryn

April Showers


It’s day two of April, and day twelve of not working a proper amount of hours. The sun is absolutely beaming into my room giving the illusion of warmth from the outside. In all reality, it’s just above freezing and I’m still exhausted from trying to stay awake way too late last night. Excessive amounts of blankets are my only safety from lingering shivers.

I almost wasn’t going to write anything today and just continue to sleep for the next few hours, or even the rest of the day honestly. However, today is Thursday and being tired can make creative juices flow, so here I am.

Photo Credits

When I finally rolled over to grab my phone for the day, I had the most amazing idea, I should build a barn door! I’m overly ambitious sometimes, I know. Hear me out, so roommate’s room doesn’t have a door. The old canning room of the trailer just has never had one for as long as I can remember. Because of this, her pets, and Shadow too honestly, can just be pests to her sanity. I say pests; the cats chirp at each other before sunrise for like two hours, and the dog is our resident burglar alarm. Poor girl I feel like she could use a real door now. And that’s why I want to make a sliding barn door.

My dumbass was watching every video I could find on YouTube about it for hours this morning. I know I could totally build one too. Watching all these tutorials has taught me literally just a pattern since I know how to use a saw and drill. I’m going to lose the ambition real quick I think. A friend of mine installs doors and windows for a living: he’s coming by this weekend to check out what’s going down with the doors for me.

Photo Credits

Other than that, I’m actually writing again, which is super cool. Writing requires research, so I’m learning a lot about random shit too. I’ll have to dedicate a post to things I’d never thought I’d need to know. Maybe a good bonus post?
Being in quarantine is fun…

If I end up deciding I’d rather to something physical, I’ll just pull out my roller blades. I can stand, get up, and roll in them. That’s really all I can do though, so today might be a good time to try and actually practice them.

I feel like there’s so many things to do, but also the idea that I have a long time to do them. It’s refreshing. However, that’s all I’ve got for today. Thank you so much for reading, stay safe!

Took a Break


Reno’s are kicking my butt, so I’m trying to not overwork myself too hard. I was diddling around on this laptop and apparently it runs Minecraft! So that’s what I’ve been doing with my time mostly. That and reading tarot, and learning more French. I really struggle with not being busy, but that’s fine.

I was doing the counters when I made an awful mistake and tore up a huge part with my microwave. A fiery ball of rage took over and I ripped out all the work I did, and now I need a distraction. So I went to install Minecraft and to my surprise, it worked. So I was binging that while listening to French Podcasts trying to get better with understanding the speech itself. I can read it somewhat fine, and can even spell at an okay level, but hearing it. Oof… They talk so fast! Which I mean, I am one hundred percent guilty of, but I never really understood how difficult it is to understand people talking…

Total side note, I know I said I was going to stick to Thursday’s for posting, but I’m bored throughout the week and writing posts way ahead of time, so I’m going to reinstate Tuesday’s as well. My updates or posts will still be at 12:00pm Vancouver time.

Back on track, I’ve been reading tarot cards for a couple years now and I even do readings for donations through my Tumblr but am going to open that up to my Twitter too eventually. I swear I struggle not being busy; it’s as if I can’t stop sometimes. But I learn a lot by doing this. And I kick absolute butt in Minecraft Hardcore mode! Work today is beyond busy, to the point I can’t actually do any real work, so I’m going to spend today writing and doing surveys for cash. Girls gotta work.

I’ve got a plan for tomorrow to actually do a ton of renovations and finally get this done. I’m going to get some more paint, and I need something to remove wallpaper faster because my kitchen has tons of it??? And my counter, I have to try this again. Thursday will be my make or break for this, because my place is getting evaluated on Friday (hopefully) and I NEED it to be amazing. Wish me luck <3

Thanks for listening to me try and make sense of my own thoughts today!
— Deryn