Looking Back a Year

Advertisements

So I wasn’t sure what to write about, which has been happening a lot actually. With that, I looked back at what I was talking about a year ago. Working with just one post, I would have nothing really to talk about besides just recapping what I said then. With that in mind, I grabbed the three posts around exactly one year ago today. I wanted to buy a camera, was in the middle of a depression rut, and missing some old zombie novels I read in High School. Let’s dissect me from a year ago, shall we?

My lovely ghost!

Starting with the camera I still love, a Canon Rebel SL3. I don’t know what it is, but this little camera is just so cute! I love it and want one so bad still. The quality on my pictures overall has improved drastically in the past year, I still really like the idea of having a real camera. I’ve got a friend who has a really nice camera and ends up with some of the most amazing pictures. Knowing myself though, I’d do it for a couple weeks and just quit bringing it around. Woo, ADHD…

My mental health has improved quite a lot considering over the last year. My memory therapist and I aren’t working together anymore. Not for any negative reasons, we’re just out of sessions is all. Apparently I paid her for a whole year just before August was over? And I forgot? And thought it was free because I never got a bill? That was a fun conversation we got to have, but that’s why I hired her. Well, more like why she is the professional. (I made myself laugh having to explain that.) There really isn’t much else we can work on without getting another therapist, and I don’t have the money anymore so I probably won’t do that for awhile.

Those old zombie books, with an updated link to purchase them yourself, were a huge piece of my grade eleven year. I would one hundred percent reread them for a Multimedia Monday post. at least the first two. The third was written differently and I wasn’t its biggest fan. I have a very vivid memory of my English teacher getting mad at me for getting too into the book and almost screaming when a character almost died. Out of all the novels I fell in love with, that set is one I don’t currently own though. There’s another series I have to find that I read in Elementary School that I have memories of. I have no idea what it’s called however and don’t know how I’d even find it. Is that a future blog post? Frick yeah it will be, probably.

What a beautiful sunset

But yeah, that’s an update! This was a lot of fun to go back and look into. However, that’s all I have for today. Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you have an awesome day! Be safe out there!
— Deryn

I Always Thought

Advertisements

So, recently I joined an ADHD Facebook group and have got myself sucked into that side of TikTok. With that, I’ve been learning a lot, and today that really hit me. (There might be a trigger or two in here for people, just FYI).)
For years I thought it was always “me being the problem” because I’m loud and struggle to think before I talk. Classroom settings are evil and the “I have to finish this” feeling have been around as much as I can remember. Especially growing up hearing phrases like “try harder” and “just focus” all the time.

Yes, that’s a Snapchat Screenshot

I’ve discovered I hyperfixate on certain things, including on people, which is why I develop crushes on people the way that I do. It’s not a crush, I’m literally unable to tell my brain “no”. When I have that feeling for cleaning my house though, holy snap do I clean my damn house. I had that feeling yesterday on laundry and got like, three loads washed before I lost that urge to clean. 
Or that executive dysfunction is a common feeling I get when I fight my own brain on being productive. I have had literal arguments with myself over just sitting up because my brain won’t talk to the rest of my body. It’s hard to fight your own brain, and really sucks being told you’re just lazy all the time. 

Chores are evil, and that’s apparently because without instant dopamine my brain just gives up. And with a new hobby too, if I’m not immediately good at it, I quit. Long term projects are just the worst!
For years I thought it’s because I was a mistake, that I was a problem. And with that, I developed depression. I’ve had some scary low days and again, I always thought I was a fuck up. 

Being where I am now has been great though, I have good relationships with the people around me who want me to succeed and grow, I have a … decent … coping system that makes me not want to die all the time, and I find some days I can actually take complements without cringing!

Sorry for the ramble, but thanks for listening! Or I guess reading along... You’re amazing, and I hope you have a good day! Be safe out there!
— Deryn

I’m Good

Advertisements

Sorry if I made anyone worry. I know it’s not my job to apologize to people but I really do appreciate all of you and want you to know I’m okay. I woke up yesterday having a rough day, as in it was one of those days where I wore black tights and a sweater even though it was twenty-five degrees outside.

I know I talk about my memory problems a lot, but it’s fascinating to me really. The reason I was feeling like such garbage yesterday was because I’ve been trying to remember everything that my brain buried. I’m doing it slowly just in case my brain freaks out and tries to protect itself, and starting with my high schools years was my intention. Yesterday my brain remembered something rather sad and traumatizing which threw me into a depressive state.

Last time I was that sad, in recent memory anyway, I was almost danger to myself. To tackle this before it got too bad, I messaged a friend of mine just asking if I could hang out so I wasn’t alone. I’m so blessed to have friends around me who care because he replied with “want me to pick you up”. No need to explain or be worried, he just wanted to make sure I was okay and I really appreciate that.

Normally I’d have a back up post for when I’m having an “off” day like that, but as you can tell, I was unprepared. Nonetheless, thank you so much for coming by and saying hello! You’re awesome and I hope you have a good day!
— Deryn

Personal Growth

Advertisements

It’s been almost a month of living with just one roommate, and I never thought I’d change so much in such a short amount of time. Not that long ago I was talking about having a garbage memory.
In case you missed that.
My big thing is since it’s just the two of us, my house feels different. Not in a bad way, but being just us two has helped out my mental health, and honestly my physical health quite a bit too.

Besides my hiking habits, we also bike quite a bit now. I used to be exhausted just going around my neighbourhood, but now I can go down right to the lake and be okay. Granted a huge piece is downhill but that’s way more than I used to be able to do. I’d be hiking more, but it’s been real crap weather and we went climbing as my last real workout day.
In case you missed that too.
As for my mental health, I feel good right now. Yeah life was thrown into a craze for a bit, but I’m honestly good. My roommate is so supportive and we get along really well. I’ve learned more about myself in the past month than in the last two years.

The people I choose to surround myself with are great people who support me and I am so lucky to be in the situation I’m in. I’m motivated to keep going too. I’ve said it a thousand times, I’m a lazy person by nature which clashes with how I’ve been living my life.

With weather improving and nothing but time, I’m definitely going hiking more soon and I promise I’ll get some nice pictures! For now, my flowers living their best lives will be the pictures I post.

Well, since I’m here, an update!
My plants are doing well. The flowers are just thriving. The rose has no full blooming flowers right now though. My potatoes are growing like weeds unlike my lettuce which I cannot figure out why, but is staying rather small. And my army of tomatoes are growing in nicely! That’s all for the garden really.

And that’s all for today now that I look at the time. Thanks for stopping by today! I really appreciate all of you! Have an awesome day!
— Deryn

Fresh Air

Advertisements

Life has recently been flipped upside down for me. My boyfriend and I split, work went south and my depression came sliding into my DM’s like the asshole it is. So I decided I needed to redo myself. Not in a bad way! But things such as redoing my room, and my hair!

This process has been going on for a bit now, so I’ll start with my bedroom! I read this thing once, that if the person your seeing has their bed in the middle of their room, they have their life together. Mine was there, and I moved it, against a window. Cause of this, my room is oddly large. I’ve never seen it so empty and it’s weird.

Photo Credits

I washed all my bedding and got some stuffed animals for my bed, as well as a little rug to try and help fill the floor space. A healthy bookshelf and opening my curtains makes my bedroom look alive. Now all I need is some wall art and I’ll be set!

I’ve always wanted to try being blonde. Something about your own natural hair, the complete opposite is just magnetizing. My lovely roommate cut and coloured my hair over a whole afternoon. I’m sure somewhere on my Instagram I’ve got a selfie to show it off. If not I’ll make sure to flood it.

Other than that, hobbies are what I’m working on. I’m reading more, walking and biking around, and just trying to enjoy life as best I can. I also downloaded TikTok, so when I’m feeling lazy or in an episode, I’m sometimes learning things. It’s crazy how reading and biking for about an hour a day can really change a person!

Photo Credits

Start every morning with a song, then bike to the closest coffee shop to help wake up is an interesting addition to my morning routine I never thought I’d have. I definitely feel better, although I have my ups and downs just like anyone else. But at the end of the day I really feel like I’m doing well.

The start to this adventure has been a blessing really. And being able to talk about it is uplifting. Thanks for reading today!
— Deryn