I’m Good

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Sorry if I made anyone worry. I know it’s not my job to apologize to people but I really do appreciate all of you and want you to know I’m okay. I woke up yesterday having a rough day, as in it was one of those days where I wore black tights and a sweater even though it was twenty-five degrees outside.

I know I talk about my memory problems a lot, but it’s fascinating to me really. The reason I was feeling like such garbage yesterday was because I’ve been trying to remember everything that my brain buried. I’m doing it slowly just in case my brain freaks out and tries to protect itself, and starting with my high schools years was my intention. Yesterday my brain remembered something rather sad and traumatizing which threw me into a depressive state.

Last time I was that sad, in recent memory anyway, I was almost danger to myself. To tackle this before it got too bad, I messaged a friend of mine just asking if I could hang out so I wasn’t alone. I’m so blessed to have friends around me who care because he replied with “want me to pick you up”. No need to explain or be worried, he just wanted to make sure I was okay and I really appreciate that.

Normally I’d have a back up post for when I’m having an “off” day like that, but as you can tell, I was unprepared. Nonetheless, thank you so much for coming by and saying hello! You’re awesome and I hope you have a good day!
— Deryn

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Personal Growth

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It’s been almost a month of living with just one roommate, and I never thought I’d change so much in such a short amount of time. Not that long ago I was talking about having a garbage memory.
In case you missed that.
My big thing is since it’s just the two of us, my house feels different. Not in a bad way, but being just us two has helped out my mental health, and honestly my physical health quite a bit too.

Besides my hiking habits, we also bike quite a bit now. I used to be exhausted just going around my neighbourhood, but now I can go down right to the lake and be okay. Granted a huge piece is downhill but that’s way more than I used to be able to do. I’d be hiking more, but it’s been real crap weather and we went climbing as my last real workout day.
In case you missed that too.
As for my mental health, I feel good right now. Yeah life was thrown into a craze for a bit, but I’m honestly good. My roommate is so supportive and we get along really well. I’ve learned more about myself in the past month than in the last two years.

The people I choose to surround myself with are great people who support me and I am so lucky to be in the situation I’m in. I’m motivated to keep going too. I’ve said it a thousand times, I’m a lazy person by nature which clashes with how I’ve been living my life.

With weather improving and nothing but time, I’m definitely going hiking more soon and I promise I’ll get some nice pictures! For now, my flowers living their best lives will be the pictures I post.

Well, since I’m here, an update!
My plants are doing well. The flowers are just thriving. The rose has no full blooming flowers right now though. My potatoes are growing like weeds unlike my lettuce which I cannot figure out why, but is staying rather small. And my army of tomatoes are growing in nicely! That’s all for the garden really.

And that’s all for today now that I look at the time. Thanks for stopping by today! I really appreciate all of you! Have an awesome day!
— Deryn

Fresh Air

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Life has recently been flipped upside down for me. My boyfriend and I split, work went south and my depression came sliding into my DM’s like the asshole it is. So I decided I needed to redo myself. Not in a bad way! But things such as redoing my room, and my hair!

This process has been going on for a bit now, so I’ll start with my bedroom! I read this thing once, that if the person your seeing has their bed in the middle of their room, they have their life together. Mine was there, and I moved it, against a window. Cause of this, my room is oddly large. I’ve never seen it so empty and it’s weird.

Photo Credits

I washed all my bedding and got some stuffed animals for my bed, as well as a little rug to try and help fill the floor space. A healthy bookshelf and opening my curtains makes my bedroom look alive. Now all I need is some wall art and I’ll be set!

I’ve always wanted to try being blonde. Something about your own natural hair, the complete opposite is just magnetizing. My lovely roommate cut and coloured my hair over a whole afternoon. I’m sure somewhere on my Instagram I’ve got a selfie to show it off. If not I’ll make sure to flood it.

Other than that, hobbies are what I’m working on. I’m reading more, walking and biking around, and just trying to enjoy life as best I can. I also downloaded TikTok, so when I’m feeling lazy or in an episode, I’m sometimes learning things. It’s crazy how reading and biking for about an hour a day can really change a person!

Photo Credits

Start every morning with a song, then bike to the closest coffee shop to help wake up is an interesting addition to my morning routine I never thought I’d have. I definitely feel better, although I have my ups and downs just like anyone else. But at the end of the day I really feel like I’m doing well.

The start to this adventure has been a blessing really. And being able to talk about it is uplifting. Thanks for reading today!
— Deryn

Alone

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Quarantine and a wack sleep schedule have dismissed the idea that I was ever going to be in my house alone for more than two hours. Now that both roommates are working, I’m all alone in my place, besides the animals of course, and it’s super weird. I’m not used to being left to my own devices for too long. I mean, on one hand, I can do whatever I want all morning right? 

My morning starts with being bullied out of bed by two hungry, and rather large cats. I say that, I bully myself because I love them too much and don’t want anything bad to happen to them. And Midna is a good girl too who has THE SMALLEST BLADDER EVER! Dogs…

What a cute puppy!

Now on with the rest of my day. Jordan is home first at 3:30ish. By this time it’s about 8:30 or 9:00 in the morning and I’m freaking out mildly. I have too much time alone and don’t know what to do. I’m trying to get into a routine with cleaning right away in the morning. If I can burn all of my “AHH!!!” energy right away, I’ll have been somewhat productive, right? Dishes are always somehow dirty?? Literally I don’t even understand how I own so many dishes that cannot be kept clean??? And I just did so much laundry recently I’m scared of my next water bill.

Lunch time rolls around and I have nothing left I need to do. By now my brain is trying to drive me insane. To deal with this, I either start gaming, deep cleaning a room, or attempt to write some more. I never stick to it though as YouTube usually takes my attention. Instant entertainment is dangerous really. That or I can’t stay home anymore and I just got for a walk.

I found him walking around the other day

Realization kicks in that I’ve spent at least a few hours doing literally nothing and that I’m hungry. Jordan should be home soon, so I’ll essentially make him an early dinner and myself a late lunch. That works! My famous chicken and hash browns! That’s a joke. It’s pretty good, but I am anything but a chef. Comfort food is the best.

With one roommate home, that means only a few hours until the other one is back too. Overall I’ve been alone for about seven hours. I’ve been alone longer at work, but for some bizarre reason, this sucks so much for me. I say that, but I have abandonment issues. But yeah, I spent a bit of time alone, and I hate it.

He got whipped cream on his whisker!

That’s all I’ve got for today though. Thanks for stopping by today, you’re amazing! Stay safe out there! I’ll talk soon!
— Deryn

For Days I Can’t Focus

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Now, full disclaimer, I’m not diagnosed with anything that would affect my ability to focus, but some days I can’t do anything for more that five minutes. Today is one of those days. I’ve been trying to build new MTG decks and I cannot focus enough to read half the cards, so I moved onto playing a board game and couldn’t focus to learn new rules. With the struggles, I figured I’d do dishes, washed the same plate four times. Friends have been messaging me all day and I can’t read what they’re sending.

Thoughts are just flooding my head and being so loud, it sucks so much. Even scratching my head has to be quick. My one friend recommended I sit in my bedroom and just relax, which ended poorly. I started going down the rabbit hole that is my brain and had a panic attack. Even Shadow is tired of following me around the house because I’m just walking back and forth.

Not being able to focus has stopped me from being able to notice things that should really be noticed, such as when something hurts. There are so many thoughts fighting for my attention that I don’t notice when I’m burning my hand, or that I sliced my finger while making dinner. Pain really should be what’s on my mind but I can’t focus on anything. I have a bad habit of biting the inside of my cheek, and I have been doing it for hours, I know I’m doing it even, but the pain isn’t registering so I haven’t stopped.

Now before people freak out, I’m not hurting myself. I’m just unable to tell things hurt until it’s a little late right now. I’m frustrated but I’m trying to slow myself down. After building four new decks and dancing for an hour, I think I’m starting to relax. Being able to think before doing things helps so much.

I’m sorry if this post is all over the place, but I really wanted to force myself to write this and focus on something for more than ten minutes. I love you all! Thanks for putting up with me today!
Thanks for reading!
— Deryn