I Always Thought


So, recently I joined an ADHD Facebook group and have got myself sucked into that side of TikTok. With that, I’ve been learning a lot, and today that really hit me. (There might be a trigger or two in here for people, just FYI).)
For years I thought it was always “me being the problem” because I’m loud and struggle to think before I talk. Classroom settings are evil and the “I have to finish this” feeling have been around as much as I can remember. Especially growing up hearing phrases like “try harder” and “just focus” all the time.

Yes, that’s a Snapchat Screenshot

I’ve discovered I hyperfixate on certain things, including on people, which is why I develop crushes on people the way that I do. It’s not a crush, I’m literally unable to tell my brain “no”. When I have that feeling for cleaning my house though, holy snap do I clean my damn house. I had that feeling yesterday on laundry and got like, three loads washed before I lost that urge to clean. 
Or that executive dysfunction is a common feeling I get when I fight my own brain on being productive. I have had literal arguments with myself over just sitting up because my brain won’t talk to the rest of my body. It’s hard to fight your own brain, and really sucks being told you’re just lazy all the time. 

Chores are evil, and that’s apparently because without instant dopamine my brain just gives up. And with a new hobby too, if I’m not immediately good at it, I quit. Long term projects are just the worst!
For years I thought it’s because I was a mistake, that I was a problem. And with that, I developed depression. I’ve had some scary low days and again, I always thought I was a fuck up. 

Being where I am now has been great though, I have good relationships with the people around me who want me to succeed and grow, I have a … decent … coping system that makes me not want to die all the time, and I find some days I can actually take complements without cringing!

Sorry for the ramble, but thanks for listening! Or I guess reading along... You’re amazing, and I hope you have a good day! Be safe out there!
— Deryn

Leave a Reply Cancel reply