For Days I Can’t Focus


Now, full disclaimer, I’m not diagnosed with anything that would affect my ability to focus, but some days I can’t do anything for more that five minutes. Today is one of those days. I’ve been trying to build new MTG decks and I cannot focus enough to read half the cards, so I moved onto playing a board game and couldn’t focus to learn new rules. With the struggles, I figured I’d do dishes, washed the same plate four times. Friends have been messaging me all day and I can’t read what they’re sending.

Thoughts are just flooding my head and being so loud, it sucks so much. Even scratching my head has to be quick. My one friend recommended I sit in my bedroom and just relax, which ended poorly. I started going down the rabbit hole that is my brain and had a panic attack. Even Shadow is tired of following me around the house because I’m just walking back and forth.

Not being able to focus has stopped me from being able to notice things that should really be noticed, such as when something hurts. There are so many thoughts fighting for my attention that I don’t notice when I’m burning my hand, or that I sliced my finger while making dinner. Pain really should be what’s on my mind but I can’t focus on anything. I have a bad habit of biting the inside of my cheek, and I have been doing it for hours, I know I’m doing it even, but the pain isn’t registering so I haven’t stopped.

Now before people freak out, I’m not hurting myself. I’m just unable to tell things hurt until it’s a little late right now. I’m frustrated but I’m trying to slow myself down. After building four new decks and dancing for an hour, I think I’m starting to relax. Being able to think before doing things helps so much.

I’m sorry if this post is all over the place, but I really wanted to force myself to write this and focus on something for more than ten minutes. I love you all! Thanks for putting up with me today!
Thanks for reading!
— Deryn

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